Doubt. We always wrestle with that conniving demon. It can cause us to give into fear, attempting to cut us short from achieving our full potential. It can make us to rethink our lives and to question ourselves, but it can also force us to refine ourselves thereafter. So, doubt can be good; it can lead us to consider what is truly important and what is worth fighting for. It is necessary and though we battle it constantly, if we are able to be victorious we will always come out stronger.
I feel like when it comes to finding and choosing to stay with our significant other, we seem to think that certainty is a must and that we cannot have any doubts about the relationship at all. However, I want to challenge that notion because if you do not doubt anything about it, how can you be completely certain that he/she is the one you want to continue spending time with?
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for three years. Three years since we started dating and began college, him in LA and me in SD. Two years since I studied abroad in London and was away from him for four months. One year since I realized that this is the man I wanted to marry. I know that we’d be able to go through life’s journey together because we always worked on the communication and understanding thing, the continue-doing-the-little-things thing, and of course, the love thing. All of that being said, I never had a doubt about us. But then I started having doubts about my not doubting.
One of my friends asked me something along the lines of “If he were to propose to you now, what would you say?” I answered with an affirmative “I’d say yes”, but then that “yes”was accompanied by a “but wait”. Shouldn’t I consider the weight of what marriage to this man would look like? Beautiful, sure, but it would a complete commitment to this one person for the rest of my life. Thus began the questions. What if he’s just the one I fell in love with first? What if we were both better for someone else, but we fell in love with each other at the time we did and therefore never gave anyone else thereafter a chance? What if there’s someone else out there that’s better for me? Better for him? These were all questions I couldn’t answer, my period of doubt. Then there were the more practical notions to consider: by societal norms we are too young to fully understand commitment and therefore we should not fully commit ourselves. Yes, we are growing together and individually, which are both important, but what if this growth just pushes us apart in the future? Doubts. Doubts. Doubts.
But then I got past them.
Now, I realize that I’m not supposed to know the actual answers to any of those questions. Yet, that period of doubt has led me to the answers that will inevitably make my relationship even stronger. He may have been the one I fell in love with first, but this first, I believe, will be my last. Our relationship may consist of misunderstandings, disagreements, and petty arguments, but I just happened to be blessed with this extraordinary relationship that is grounded in love, patience, and ultimate understanding. As cliché as that sounds, it’s real. There may be a man who will appear to be better for me in the future, but there will be no better man than James. Since I’ve questioned that once, I never have to question it again. However, I believe that questioning (and I mean really questioning) the person you are considering spending the rest of your life with is extremely important to do at some point.Just make sure that you are fully equipped and mature enough in your relationship to answer it with realistic expectations.
Never assume that he or she will be able to complete you.
A relationship needs to be composed of two complete people coming together to make each other better. That doesn’t mean two people without any faults, but two people who are aware of them and are retrospective enough to work on their own self-growth. A lot of times when we don’t want to deal with out own insecurities and our own lives, we turn to others. While seeking support is crucial, putting all of your self-worth and happiness in another individual will only lead to disappointment. Then all of a sudden that love you’re so high off of really just becomes dependency in disguise. Examine where you are in your relationship by looking at where you are in life, the maturity of the individuals in it, and the quality of it as a whole.
All of this being said, I want to disclose that I am no relationship expert, nor am I pretending to be. I am just a firm believer in asking questions and making a relationship work through support, communication, and most importantly, following through with actions.
Doubting helps us answer whether or not he/she is just the love of our life, or the love for the rest of our life.